How Do We Handle the Collective Anger for Our Political Differences?

A lot is going to happen politically in this country this week. There will be some very happy people. And there will be some very unhappy people. 

Two years ago, I wrote a newsletter the day after the presidential election. I especially wrote it for the people who were heartbroken that day. After I sent that newsletter in 2024, I got an angry email from a client telling me basically, how dare I send that letter because she was very happy about the election outcome! 

This is another letter of similar tone and purpose. It’s not a political position, because the truth is that no matter who wins, there will be many deeply discouraged people. There will be feelings of defeat. There will be people saying, “our country/state is headed in the wrong direction.”

People are angry and blaming one another for the issues that travail us. In Vermont, the Democrats say our challenges are the fault of the Republican Governor; the Republicans say, it’s the Democratic-held Legislature that is responsible. Each side is basically saying, “vote for our side and everything will be solved!”

The unfortunate thing is that humanity is so tangled up in their anger that it gets projected and directed towards the wrong targets. People point fingers at each other and say, “you’re the one to blame for all my issues!”

Anger gets lost in attack. It achieves nothing. It magnifies vitriol and deepens resentments.

Think about a fight you might’ve had with someone, perhaps a spouse, where both parties got angry. The fight may have sounded something like this…

You do this all the time!

And YOU do this other thing more than me! How dare you!

You never consider this… you’re such a something-or-other.

Well, that’s the pot calling the kettle black! You’re such a hypocrite!

I hate that you do this! I’ve told you a million times!!! I feel like you just don’t care and don’t respect me. 

And YOU with all your judgments, always criticizing and always belittling, and always putting me down. 

Etc… etc…

You get the picture. 

A total waste of time. A waste of energy. 

Was anything solved?

Did you walk away feeling closer to that person?

If things got even more heated, perhaps someone started slamming things on tables, throwing objects, or punching walls. 

This is what we call anger and it is so misdirected and ineffective. In fact, it’s harmful. Because all of those attacking words that were spoken will add even more lashings to the relationship. They breed distrust. They make it harder to move forward.

This is what happens at the micro level of relationships. And it is also what’s happening at the macro level of our societies. Our anger getting channeled into blame and attack, and achieving absolutely nothing… only further division and polarization.

I love this paragraph by Charles Eisenstein in his book The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible: 

“Ask yourself, if you think that the wealthy, the powerful, the Republicans, the Democrats, the big game hunters, the meat industry executive, the frackers, or any other subset of humanity is evil (or shameful, revolting, disgusting, etc.): Would you be willing to give up that belief if it would make you a more effective agent of change?” 

Would you be willing to give up your positions, your beliefs in order to move closer towards connecting to the person/people you disagree with so you can understand each other better?

Many years ago, a friend was telling me about a fight with her partner. She had a really valid point for how she was feeling, but rather than encouraging her to continue hammering on her position, I asked her: “Would you rather be right or would you rather be connected?”

That question shifted her instantaneously. She wanted connection more than anything. The conversation she had as a result deepened their relationship. Afterwards, she told me her partner had said to her, “this is the most mature conversation I’ve ever had.”

When we choose connection, we enter the conversation from a completely different place.

Of course, it’s easier when it’s close to home. It’s more accessible to lean into connection when it’s a loved one you’re talking to. We’re more likely to be willing to put the boxing gloves down because we do hope to restore the connection… most times.

It’s so much harder when we’re talking about the collective… when the ‘other’ is a group of strangers; when you feel like you can’t relate to them at all. And it becomes nearly impossible to connect if those strangers have been demonized because they hold a different political view. 

But the energetic core is still the same. If we as a collective continue misdirecting our anger and outrage towards blame and attack, we will make everything worse not better. Just like if you keep fighting with your husband, you’ll find yourself in the middle of a divorce, not a happy marriage.

So what do we do when we are angry? Incensed?

First, you tune in towards yourself. You notice what’s happening in your body. You listen to your anger. 

What is your anger telling you about what matters to you? What is it telling you about what you need?

Can you set your spears down and instead of attacking your ‘opponent’, help yourself articulate what is it that you need? What might you be afraid of?

For example, in your marriage, perhaps you’re angry that you’re the one carrying all the weight of the family’s appointments, homework, teacher’s notes, shopping, etc. If you tune in, you might notice the burning sensation in your cheeks and face when you find yourself picking up the ball that your spouse dropped. Listening to this fire, you might then find, “I’m afraid this is never going to change and I’m tired… I want a break too… I want to not have to be the one to think about all these things all the time.”

Once you identify what you need, or what you’re fearing, you’re more likely to be able to have a more productive conversation. You’re going to sound less threatening and attacking. It’ll then be more likely that your partner will be able to join you in the exploration.

We need to see our partners as our allies in creating the lives we dream of. When things are off course, we can more easily correct by working together than by pulling in opposite directions. 

Can you choose to be connected instead of insisting on being right?

If you come with the intention to connect, you may have a conversation that sounds something like, “I’m really tired and I need help, how can we do this together?” rather than “I’m so flippin’ tired that you never______.”

When you can see that your partner is a human being with his/her/their own needs, and instead of attacking you choose connection so a conversation can be had, together you may be able to create a path forward that works for both parties, so everyone’s needs get met. 

At the societal level it’s the same. We need to be able to come together to talk about our collective needs and how we can get there. At our core, all of our needs are the same. We just may have vastly different opinions about the way to get those needs met. And it is monumentally harder to meet those needs if we’re consumed with the fighting. 

How effective have the legislative processes been when elected officials simply dig their heels in and refuse to speak to one another?

The more we, as an electorate become polarized and unable to speak to people with different opinions, the more our elected officials will believe that their mandate is for them to do the same. If we aren’t talking to each other, our elected leaders will stonewall each other.

Can we choose to see each other compassionately so we can connect?

Can you see the humanity in the other person, even if they are choosing things that are abhorrent to you?

Can you set your spears down so you can channel your inner fire towards creating “the more beautiful world” we all dream is possible?

THEN, our anger can become the fire with which we build more of what we want to see, together. 

If we can do it in our families, perhaps we can do it in our communities. And if we can do it in our communities, perhaps we’ll elect representatives who can work with people they dislike.

We can’t expect our leaders to do what we are not willing to do ourselves.