Good Girl to Powerful Woman: Why Boundaries Feel So Hard

Does it ever feel like somehow, your life doesn't include you in it?

You know what I mean. At times, it can feel like you're holding everything together for everyone else — juggling home, family, job, making dinner and shuttling kids, maintaining relationships and meeting work deadlines. And at the end of the day, there was not a moment for you — just a quiet, ongoing busy pace of life that feels... normal. 

But where are you in all of that? 

If you have a hard time saying no... If you feel guilty when you put your needs first... Or you wonder why caring for others is so easy but caring for yourself feels so hard... You likely have an inner "good girl." She's one of the most common patterns I see in overfunctioning women.

The good girl always has the best intentions and is trying to help you. She works hard to keep the peace, to keep everyone happy, keep you safe from disapproval. But she also defaults to leaving you for last and so she makes it VERY hard for you to feel like your life has space for you in it.

And the good girl in you has the darnedest time setting boundaries around you so that you can actually take some space and time for yourself.

The Challenge with Boundaries

You've heard the "B word" for boundaries before. It's all the talk now... 

Perhaps someone has told you, gently and with all the love in the world, "You just need to set boundaries" — and you looked back at them, completely blank. Boundaries? What does that even mean? Where do you start?

If the word itself feels foreign — even a little wrong — you're not failing at something simple. For a lot of women, boundaries were never a reality. They either never saw them modeled or simply weren't allowed any space or privacy, or the ability to tend to their own needs. Some women were expected to do exactly as they were told. And a good girl isn't really allowed a "no."

So of course it feels impossible. You're being asked to do something that never existed for you.
There are three challenges you're up against — and naming them helps.

Challenge #1: You don't even realize a boundary is needed.

Say for example, your mother announces she's coming over when you were already planning to have a quiet day to yourself. Or you arrive to visit your parents and discover you're somehow babysitting your sister's kids. Or a colleague hands you a list of people to invite to her party, and you hadn't really volunteered to help.

In situations like these, you feel something's off in your body —a knot, a sinking feeling, a flicker of dread — but you can't quite put your finger on it. And because you've never set a boundary, going along feels like the only option there is — a compliance response many good girls learn early.

Challenge #2: Even when you know the boundary you want to set, saying it feels ridiculously hard.

You worry you'll sound mean. Rude. Selfish. You're so worried about their reaction that you can't even come up with words that don't sound harsh to you.

Challenge #3: When you do set the boundary, you spend the next three days feeling guilty about it.

You wonder if you hurt them; if they're angry; if you were selfish for saying no. You might be bracing yourself to be judged, and quietly fearing they'll either abandon you or somehow punish you.

Take a breath, because here's what I want you to hear: there's NOTHING wrong with you.

The trouble knowing you need a boundary, the trouble speaking it, and the guilt that follows DO NOT mean that your boundary is wrong. It just means this is really hard for you! Your nervous system still believes it isn't safe to say no, or to take up space.

Learning to be powerfully comfortable setting limits to what you give and do for others takes healing and skill building. For one, it means turning toward the parts of you that struggle with people-pleasing and can't say no, and helping them feel safe and loved — because when they feel safe, your "no" comes a lot more easily.

The Anger You've Been Overriding

Every time you override that sinking feeling — every time you say yes when you really want to say no, every time you do the thing you didn't want to do — your body notices.

Your jaw tightens. Your stomach knots. Your shoulders climb.

You hear yourself say, "Fine, I'll do it," while everything in you is quietly screaming, I don't want to.
That discomfort in your body is a signal. It's telling you there's irritation there — that there's suppressed anger quietly brewing.

That anger is one of the most important, and most misunderstood, doorways back to your needs and your rights. But almost no one talks about it in a way that actually helps.

So let me leave you with a few questions to sit with:

Where in your life do you feel that knot — the quiet "I don't want to" that you keep overriding? What is it trying to tell you?

If you'd like to explore these ideas more deeply (the good girl in you, the boundaries she won't let you set, and the anger underneath it all) join us for the Good Girl Reset: Four weeks, lots of support, community, deep healing and action-taking. It's for overfunctioning women who have a hard time with anger and difficulty prioritizing their needs and feelings.

Come join us!

Love,
Morella