How to Say No Without the Guilt

There should be a class in high school for teaching kids (and especially good girls) how to say no. It would save us so much pain! It would certainly make for far healthier friendships and even marriages.

Here's the truth, far too many overfunctioning women are still carrying way more of their fair share of the load –at work and in their relationships (all around)-- because they have a really hard time saying no and setting boundaries. One of the core tells of the overfunctioning woman is the automatic "yes" that she defaults to. The other sign is how well-trained everyone around her becomes, as they expect her to take care of things.

…Like my client who ran back home after spending the day in the emergency room with child #1 in order to make dinner for the family, while husband was doing lord-knows-what with child #2.

Here's a quick check to see if you might have an overfunctioner in you (aka. a good girl):

Do you feel guilty when you say no? Or feel like you're being a bad person for not doing something that you could do?

Do you sometimes struggle to find the words to say no?

Do you feel the need to apologize or overexplain if you're declining or refusing something?

Do you fret about whether they'll be angry or hurt if you turned someone down?

If you said even a "maybe… some times" to some of these questions, it's OK. Like I said at the start, you were likely never given an opportunity to learn how to say no and feel at peace with it. You likely also never had healthy role models for crisp, kind boundary-setting.

1. Saying no can be kind.

Perhaps it's hard to fathom that kindness and saying no can coexist. In fact, I venture to say that the ONLY kind thing to do is to say no when that is the truth of what you want to do. Because quite frankly, if you say yes when you'd rather say no, you are throwing yourself and your needs under the bus — a quiet form of self-abandonment that costs you later. (If you then wonder why people walk all over you, it's for this reason.)

For starters, it's kind to say no because you honor yourself and your needs. Secondly, being honest and saying no to the other person gives them the respect of seeing them as a capable human being. In other words, you don't treat them as fragile beings who can't handle the disappointment of your no. You also don't see yourself as their savior. It's the kindness of not treating them condescendingly.

You might say, "but Morella, what if I'm leaving someone in a lurch and I really want to help?"

Let's be clear that we're talking about the disservice to yourself (and to them) of saying yes, when you actually want to say no. I am not preaching saying no all the time.

2. Saying no can be done eloquently.

How do you say no eloquently? And importantly, how do you not overexplain your no?

Do you have a tendency to produce a courtroom defense every time you decline something?

"I can't because I have this appointment, and then I need to do this, and I haven't been sleeping well, and I have to get up tomorrow at 4:30 am…"

The apologizing and overexplaining are often a fawning response — revealing that underneath, your unconscious thought might sound something like, "I'm afraid you won't accept my no unless I can prove that I have a legitimate reason." “I’m afraid you won’t accept me.”

So what can you actually say?

Here are some of my favorite ways to say no:

"That doesn't work for me."

"I'm choosing to do this other thing instead."

"I've promised myself/my husband that we'd spend some alone time."

"Thank you, but I'm going to say no for now."

"That's not for me. I'm not feeling it."

"I think that's something that someone else might be in a better position to help with."

There's another important step to help you find your no, and it's simply this: buy yourself time. You don't need to respond straightaway. You can call this the boundary before the boundary.

In other words, give yourself space. You can say,

"Can I get back to you on that?"

"Let me think about it."

"I'd like to touch base with ____ before I can give you a definitive answer."

Take some time to really sit with what is being requested and determine what you're in alignment with. And keep in mind that saying no and/or setting a boundary does not require a beautifully worded explanation designed to convince the other person to agree with your choice.

3. Saying no doesn't mean that they will like your refusal… And that's OK.

They might get angry. They might be disappointed. They might push back.

This is also why you absolutely do NOT want to get into the territory of trying to provide a 'legitimate' reason for your no. If you get into the business of explaining why you're saying no, some people will try to prove to you why your reason is not valid.

Like a client of mine who gets talked out of breaking up with her narcissistic boyfriend because he dismantles all of her reasoning for why she needs to leave the relationship. She's fortunately getting close to being able to stand in her no without needing him to agree with her.

When you simply say, "it just doesn't work for me," there's nothing to debate here.

People not liking your no doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. But bear in mind that some people in your life will try to guilt-trip you in order to get you to change your answer.

4. Feeling guilty is not a sign that your no was wrong.

Guilt is the feeling that arises when you're inside of a narrative that says you've done something wrong. The guilt seems to say, "I've done a bad thing."

This is common when you've had a lifetime of being an overfunctioning good girl. It can feel incredibly uncomfortable to say no and you may well be racked with guilt. But the guilt is the result of what we call a cognitive distortion… essentially a distorted thought. You're thinking it, but it's not true.

For example, you might have a belief that says,

…"if someone needs me, I should help."

Really? Every time? No exceptions? A more accurate thought could be,

… "someone needing something doesn't mean that I'm the person who has to meet that need."

You can do this, but it can be hard at first.

It can be incredibly uncomfortable for the overfunctioning, people-pleasing woman in you to start to take up space, which is why I offer a community for women to support each other to move into greater sovereignty in their lives. It might be the perfect place for you.

And we have an incredible 4-week program that you might want to check out. It's called Sovereign Rising, a guided journey for overfunctioning, people-pleasing women who are ready to set clearer boundaries, turn resentment into wise action, and start being kind instead of "nice."

Morella